Post Infertility Parenting Guilt
The shift from infertility to parenting is sharp. Infertility leaves a stain that never fades. My story will never be about having sex with my husband and woops, here comes baby. It adds complexity and makes you an outsider in average parenting circles. You can’t commiserate with others about accidental babies. People hear your story and look at you with pity.
On the other side, you also no longer fit in the infertile circle as well. You’ve made it to the other side. You are still infertile, but you have the title of parent now, when so many in that circle still don’t and may never.
It feels like a circular race you can never win for everything. It also makes it difficult to reach out for support. I don’t want pity and I don’t want to cause others unnecessary trauma. Even the good feelings are hard to admit, because you fear hurting others.
My reality is I got lucky and not only had a child, but got to have the desired number of kids I wanted and choose to close the door on reproduction with my family completed. Finally becoming a parent is literally the most life-altering and happiest moment of my life. It’s better than I had hoped it would be.
It’s still hard, though. Sometimes I yell too much. Othertimes I indulge them too much. But the reality is I got lucky finally, and I’m so grateful every single day for it. Summer break starts this week and I can’t believe I finally get to spend this time annoyed by my kid being out of school and not jealous and questioning any longer why it isn’t me.
I am still damaged from infertility and that trauma will always be there, but I also got lucky and I never forget that.
